What Youth Sport Parents Can Learn from Alysa Liu’s Journey

Much has already been written about Alysa Liu’s journey to gold. It’s hard not to be captivated by her playful spirit and complete presence in each and every moment of the Winter Olympics. It’s well-known that she stepped away from the sport, burnt out at 16-years-old, and then came back two years later on her terms, under her conditions, with a newfound joy. The realignment of her priorities syncs up with theories developed in the field of psychology to promote a long-term, sustainable athletic career. 

Deci & Ryan’s Self-Determination Theory (2000) makes the argument that intrinsic motivation relies on three core psychological needs being met:

• Relatedness

• The need to feel connected to other people in a meaningful way

• Competence

• The experience of mastery and efficacy

• Autonomy

• Engaging in a behavior with a full sense of volition

At sixteen-years-old, Alysa demonstrated an elite level of mastery and efficacy (competence). She had been the youngest-ever U.S. women’s national champion at thirteen-years-old. But she lacked relatedness and autonomy. She was sacrificing social experiences (relatedness) for training. She had no say (autonomy) over the music, costumes, diet, and training regimen. All of this changed after she walked away from the sport. 

She went on road trips with friends. She learned who she was outside of her sport. And when she decided to return to figure skating, she made a powerful declaration of her autonomy. She was the one who would make the decisions around music, costumes, diet, and training. She would no longer miss movie nights with friends because she had training the next day. Having already proven her mastery on the ice, she chose to make her performance about showcasing her art, not about scores and medals.

For parents of youth athletes, what can we take from this experience? In team sports, parents may not have to think as much about how their kids can connect to others in a meaningful way. Teams often (but not always) come with built-in friendships. However, for individual sports like figure skating, tennis, golf, and martial arts, it may take some extra effort to prioritize connection with peers, whether it’s a recurring game night, sleepover, or bike ride to the park. And by the way, connection with other parents can be beneficial for the parents, as well as serving as a model for kids to value their friendships. 

Many parents sink small fortunes into their kids’ athletic careers. It was reported that Alysa’s dad spent between half a million and a million dollars on her skating. It’s understandable that parents want to have a say over how this money is spent. However, with the knowledge we have around autonomy, it’s advisable for parents to start having conversations with their child about their competition and training regimen as early as twelve to fourteen-years-old. This doesn’t mean the kid is running the whole show at this age. It means parents are valuing their kid’s autonomy. As the kids grow older and reach new levels of maturity, they can continue to gain more and more responsibility for their athletic careers. At sixteen years old, the parent can take more of an advisor role with the child in the front seat. This sets up the child to be a confident and self-possessed young adult. 

One last note about competence. Competition results are just one way to measure mastery. Trophies and medals are a lot of fun. And shiny! But mastery and efficacy can be measured by process-oriented goals as well. More on that in the future.

Alysa made it clear that one of her goals was joy. Her music was upbeat, her costumes whimsical, and she spent her practice time taking photos of her fellow competitors. She soaked up every moment, and as a spectator, the joy was contagious. Mission accomplished.

Looking forward to following Alysa’s journey both on and off the ice as she continues her education at UCLA studying psychology.

References

Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (2000). The “What” and “Why” of Goal Pursuits: Human Needs and the Self-Determination of Behavior. Psychological Inquiry, 11(4), 227–268. https://doi.org/10.1207/S15327965PLI1104_01

The Car Ride Home

I am privileged to have competed in several kinds of youth sport environments: low-level local tournaments, selective national tournaments, and college showcases. In addition to the financial resources it takes to be able to do all of this, my parents also spent countless hours driving me and my two older brothers to and from tournaments. For busy working parents, these travel hours can be seen as precious one-on-one time with their kids. However, emotions can run high around competition for both the youth athletes and their parents. One well-intentioned comment can turn the car ride home from a pleasant or neutral experience to one that brews anxiety and excess pressure. Of course almost no parent wants to add anxiety and excess pressure to their child, but research shows that parents and children often have different interpretations of certain parenting behaviors (Korelitz & Garber, 2016). Further research indicates that the car ride home is often why kids quit sports. Here are three things the sport parent can do to ensure they are offering the best to their child:

1. Recognize that parents of youth athletes face many stressors including, but not limited to, time and travel demands, work stress, finances, as well as assisting in the management of their child’s academic pressures and competition nerves (Tamminen et al, 2024). Make it a priority to develop effective coping skills to manage these stressors, which may include seeking out a support system of other sport parents, breathwork, listening to music, and reframing self-talk.

2. Sport parents can speak with their child about what the child’s expectations and wishes are for the car ride home. This conversation needs to be discussed outside of a competition context. Every child is different, and has their own unique needs and desires. Some kids will want to talk about their performance immediately. Others may need time to decompress and process before diving into what went well and what didn’t, especially after a loss. Some youth athletes may not want to speak about their performance at all and just want to hear from their parents that they love them, leaving their performance feedback to their coaches. You won’t know until you ask! Deci and Ryan’s Self-Determination Theory (2000) underscores autonomy as one of the innate psychological needs linked to motivation, performance, and well-being.

3. Think about how you are rewarding the development you want to see. Do you only shower your child with praise and take them out for celebratory ice cream when they win? What kind of message does that send? Alternative messages to send could be how much fun you have watching your kid play, or praising their teamwork and determination, no matter the score.

A recent study from Project Play revealed that roughly two in 10 youth sports parents believe their child has the ability to eventually play Division I college sports, and one in 10 think their child could reach the pros or Olympics.

 The odds of high school tennis players going on to play Division I is 1.5%. For women’s soccer, it’s 2.7%, and for men’s basketball it’s 1.0%.

NCAA statistics show that only a minuscule percentage of high school athletes will play professional sports.

• 1 in 610 (0.16%) will get drafted by a Major League Baseball team

• 1 in 10,399 (0.0096%) will get picked by an NBA team 

• 1 in 12,873 (0.0077%) will be chosen by a WNBA team 

• 1 in 3,960 (0.025%) will get picked by an NFL team

Knowing how slim these odds are, parents can focus on their child’s youth sport experience as just that- their youth sport experience- and the skills they are taking with them from sport into their life.

For more information on conversations about expectations for the car ride home, developing coping skills, and much more, please reach out to me directly to set up a session! Training mental skills extends far beyond sport; it’s a lifelong investment.

References

Korelitz KE, Garber J. Congruence of Parents' and Children's Perceptions of Parenting: A Meta-Analysis. J Youth Adolesc. 2016 Oct;45(10):1973-95. doi: 10.1007/s10964-016-0524-0. Epub 2016 Jul 5. PMID: 27380467; PMCID: PMC5222679.

Burgess, N. S., Knight, C. J., & Mellalieu, S. D. (2016). Parental stress and coping in elite youth gymnastics: an interpretative phenomenological analysis. Qualitative Research in Sport, Exercise and Health, 8(3), 237–256.

Tamminen, Katherine & Poucher, Zoe & Povilaitis, Victoria. (2017). The Car Ride Home: An Interpretive Examination of Parent-Athlete Sport Conversations. Sport, Exercise, and Performance Psychology. 6. 10.1037/spy0000093. 

Zhang N, Du G, Tao T. Empowering young athletes: the influence of autonomy-supportive coaching on resilience, optimism, and development. Front Psychol. 2025 Jan 8;15:1433171. doi: 10.3389/fpsyg.2024.1433171. PMID: 39845556; PMCID: PMC11750835.

Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (2000). The “What” and “Why” of Goal Pursuits: Human Needs and the Self-Determination of Behavior. Psychological Inquiry, 11(4), 227–268. https://doi.org/10.1207/S15327965PLI1104_01

Solomon, Jon. “Project Play Survey: 11% of Sports Parents Believe Their Child Can Go Pro.” Project Play, Project Play, 11 June 2025, projectplay.org/news/project-play-survey-11-of-sports-parents-believe-their-child-can-go-pro#:~:text=Roughly%20two%20in%2010%20youth,reach%20the%20pros%20or%20Olympics. 

Professional Tennis Has a Recovery Problem

The number of professional tennis players speaking publicly about mental health in the last four years is staggering: Marty Fish, Ash Barty, Naomi Osaka, Iga Swiatek, Bianca Andreescu, Madison Keys, Sara Sorribes Tormo, and more recently, Carlos Alcaraz and Casper Ruud. While each of these athletes has their own unique experiences and relationship to their mental health, there is often a through-line to their stories: the unrelenting, grueling schedule of professional tennis and the travel it requires is not promoting the wellbeing of the athletes. On a recent episode of Andy Roddick’s podcast Served, journalist Jon Wertheim posed a question: is the sport of tennis more prone to mental health struggles than other sports, or are tennis players more vocal about their mental health due to the growing acceptance and slowly diminishing stigma surrounding mental health in sport? They concluded that there’s no easy answer. 

With the advancement of injury prevention and recovery, as well as the employment of full-time physios, players now have more opportunities than ever to extend the longevity of their professional playing careers. However, is the current tour schedule allowing players to compete for as long as they want to? The pressure to uphold ranking points and financial earnings is not incentivizing athletes to prioritize their mental and physical wellbeing, potentially leading to burnout and overuse injuries.

Growing up in the ‘90s, one of the first times I ever heard about tennis players opting out of a traditional tennis schedule was Richard Williams’ decision to not have his daughters play junior tennis. Venus and Serena went straight into the pros at fourteen-years-old, against the guidance of many coaches and professionals. Any doubts of Venus and Serena’s ability to compete were quickly squashed. The Williams sisters continued to push back against the conventions of professional tennis, as they opted out of large chunks of the tour schedule and took on interests outside of their sport that included fashion, interior design, and higher education. They did this while continuing to take home one grand slam trophy after another. Serena became the greatest of all time, with a playing career lasting 27 years. As of the publishing of this post, Venus has not yet officially retired.

In the Netflix limited docuseries Carlos Alcaraz: My Way (Carlos Alcaraz: A Mi Manera) that was released in April 2025, a recurring theme is the tension between Carlos’ desire to take time off in between tournaments, and the insistence of his coach Juan Carlos Ferrero and agent Albert Molina that in order to be one of the greatest of all time, you have to be a slave to the sport, dedicated to training 24/7. Tennis is unique in that, at 21 years old, Carlos is his coach’s employer. Ultimately it is he who gets to call the shots to decide when he wants to reconnect with his family or blow off steam with his friends in Ibiza for six days, even when Juan Carlos strongly suggests that these are poor decisions. While there are more demands placed on athletes who are essentially CEOs of small businesses: managing their own brands and in charge of hiring and firing their own teams, tennis players do have much more control over how and how often they want to train than athletes in other sports. Notably, Alcaraz won his fifth grand slam title at Roland Garros in June 2025.

Recovery is a critical aspect of the flow cycle: it helps athletes regain physiological and psychological resources that are utilized in training and competition. While physical fatigue may require a player to get sleep and stay in one place, mental fatigue may necessitate a change of scenery and/or a distraction from all sport-related demands (Balk & Englert, 2020). There is no one right protocol for all athletes; the most important thing is for athletes to be able to monitor themselves and identify their own physical, mental, and emotional state. 

In 2016, Serena played the most selective schedule of her career, competing in only eight tournaments. She told Ben Rothenberg at The New York Times: ​​”This year, I didn’t play, and I actually took time off from everything. I really think it made a world of difference. I just feel a little bit more refreshed than I did last year. I just learned from that mistake. I was like, ‘Serena, you’re going to take some days off and just not do anything.’ I think that was the best thing I could have done.’” There was a cost to Serena’s reduced schedule: after three years at the #1 spot, she fell to #2 in the world rankings. She then started off the 2017 season by winning the Australian Open 2017 singles title while she was pregnant with her first child.

For those players who cannot afford to take time off, because that would mean the difference between whether or not they could pay a coach or support their families, what options are they given to properly recover? And what message are we sending to the next generation of athletes coming up? Our athletes deserve better.